I suffer from Psychosis, the type of psychosis I have is of the grandiose delusion, this is where I have thoughts of being of great importance.
Do I believe in God, yes I do, do I ever wonder about the existence of God, yes I do. I believe if everyone was honest they would have to say they have at least once in their life.
I remember always believing in God, all the way back to some of the first memories I have, but I also remember having questions about why God allows certain things to happen, ie, why love ones die, why do children become ill, why does it seem like evil prevails.
My biggest worry about God was if I was really saved or not, because I would do things I shouldn't, who doesn't right, but this plagued me for years, everytime I did something wrong, I worried, was it because I wasn't saved?
The thought of there not being a God never crossed my mind, not until my late teenage years, I stuggled with the thoughts of what if there was no God. However I finally decided that I believe there is a God, there has to be, look around us, look at the world.
Then in my early 20s the most strange & frightful thought entered my mind, what if I was God, Blasphamy, was the second thought that crossed my mind. I fought this for about a year all by myself.
My parents asked what was wrong, & I told them I had some doubts about my faith, so we had a preacher to come to the house.
This was a mistake, I went looking for help & I came out form that "spiritual" help feeling worse than before. I will never forget it, this "Man Of God" told me if I didn't decide what I believed in, I would wind up in a mental hospital.
Needless to say, there was noway I was going to tell anyone what was really going through my mind, & what end up in a hospital, NO, NO.
So I lost any belief in finding help from church, so I lived in that private hell all by myself, finally it eased up. I remember how it came about. I finally said whatever the truth is, I decide to believe in a Higher Power than me, that of course is Jesus Christ to me.
I felt so clear headed for the first time in a long time, I thought wow, it is over, & it was for awhile, then my dad passed away a few years latter. The thought of what if I was God came back again, why, what is wrong with me. Am I going crazy, has the devil taken controle of me?
I fought it all by myself again for awhile, then finally it eased up & went away, then I knew, that although it was gone for now, it could come back, & I didn't know how or why.
A few years later I was married & had a baby boy, life was great, then I was laid off from work, & the worries of life took hold & it didn't want to let go.
I finally broke down & told my wife, & you know what, she didn't call the people with the white coats to come & get me, she was supportive & understanding. Then for awhile life was good again, I thought I knew what was up & what was down.
After ten years of fighting this by myself & then with only my wife knowing, I went to a pdoc, & to a tdoc. It has been nice being able to get my thoughts out of my head, not to worry about being locked up in a mental hospital. It was nice to know, I wasn't the only one who had weird thoughts, & that I had an illness.
Do I still have those thoughts, yes, some days more than others, but I am slowly learning how to deal with them. Do I still believe in God, yes, do I still have some doubts from time to time, yes I do. Am I going to let this illness defeat me? All I can say is, I am going to give it all I can for it not to win.
I have finally figured it out, this is not a sprint I am in, it is a marathon, & I am trying to pace myself.
Do I believe in God, yes I do, do I ever wonder about the existence of God, yes I do. I believe if everyone was honest they would have to say they have at least once in their life.
I remember always believing in God, all the way back to some of the first memories I have, but I also remember having questions about why God allows certain things to happen, ie, why love ones die, why do children become ill, why does it seem like evil prevails.
My biggest worry about God was if I was really saved or not, because I would do things I shouldn't, who doesn't right, but this plagued me for years, everytime I did something wrong, I worried, was it because I wasn't saved?
The thought of there not being a God never crossed my mind, not until my late teenage years, I stuggled with the thoughts of what if there was no God. However I finally decided that I believe there is a God, there has to be, look around us, look at the world.
Then in my early 20s the most strange & frightful thought entered my mind, what if I was God, Blasphamy, was the second thought that crossed my mind. I fought this for about a year all by myself.
My parents asked what was wrong, & I told them I had some doubts about my faith, so we had a preacher to come to the house.
This was a mistake, I went looking for help & I came out form that "spiritual" help feeling worse than before. I will never forget it, this "Man Of God" told me if I didn't decide what I believed in, I would wind up in a mental hospital.
Needless to say, there was noway I was going to tell anyone what was really going through my mind, & what end up in a hospital, NO, NO.
So I lost any belief in finding help from church, so I lived in that private hell all by myself, finally it eased up. I remember how it came about. I finally said whatever the truth is, I decide to believe in a Higher Power than me, that of course is Jesus Christ to me.
I felt so clear headed for the first time in a long time, I thought wow, it is over, & it was for awhile, then my dad passed away a few years latter. The thought of what if I was God came back again, why, what is wrong with me. Am I going crazy, has the devil taken controle of me?
I fought it all by myself again for awhile, then finally it eased up & went away, then I knew, that although it was gone for now, it could come back, & I didn't know how or why.
A few years later I was married & had a baby boy, life was great, then I was laid off from work, & the worries of life took hold & it didn't want to let go.
I finally broke down & told my wife, & you know what, she didn't call the people with the white coats to come & get me, she was supportive & understanding. Then for awhile life was good again, I thought I knew what was up & what was down.
After ten years of fighting this by myself & then with only my wife knowing, I went to a pdoc, & to a tdoc. It has been nice being able to get my thoughts out of my head, not to worry about being locked up in a mental hospital. It was nice to know, I wasn't the only one who had weird thoughts, & that I had an illness.
Do I still have those thoughts, yes, some days more than others, but I am slowly learning how to deal with them. Do I still believe in God, yes, do I still have some doubts from time to time, yes I do. Am I going to let this illness defeat me? All I can say is, I am going to give it all I can for it not to win.
I have finally figured it out, this is not a sprint I am in, it is a marathon, & I am trying to pace myself.
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